Ptsh, and who keeps promises anymore? My eyes are red and they hurt just like another part of me. Thank You.

   I really have nothing to update about. I just need to talk. Not many people are on right now and those that are don't IM me much, so I choose here to express my feelings. My heart hurts. I'll never know why I chose to keep this documentary on, but I did. I sit here, watching planes crashing into the buildings, many more buildings collapsing and I can't do anything but cry. I wasn't there, but watching this, I feel like I was.  My heart just instantaneously DROPS...WTC North Tower goes up in smoke....2nd plane crashes into the South Tower.. People jumping from stories as high as the 35th... plummeting to their death. Knowing they were gonna die, but taking that way instead of burning to death. North Tower crashes....white smoke and debris fills the city...South Tower collapses. I can only imagine the fear in those peoples heart...the pain of the loved ones who know that they're going to die... the people on the outside wondering, hoping, PRAYING  that their loved ones made it out. over 6,000 people died in a matter of 3 hours! The remains left after 12 hours had past is just heart breaking within itself. So many posters of people....most of which were never found. And, look at me! I'm sitting here, trying SO incredibly hard to fight back tears. WHAT AM I CRYING FOR?! I didn't lose anyone, but I feel like I did. I'm lucky to have lived 4 years, 1 week, 5 days and 3 hours more than most of those people! So many people, who in fact, may not have had the chance to give life. So many mothers and fathers without children, children left with no mother or father, widows and widowers. People who may have lost the only person they had in this world. I know everything happens for a reason, even though you may never find out what it is. Life is short and maybe I take things too seriously, maybe I let too many things effect me, but like I just said. everything happens for a reason.


Ne me plaignez pas, ma vie est plutot belle

Continued
   I had more to say earlier but I needed to go out. Anyway... After watching the parts of the documentary that I did--I turned it off midway through that up there because I couldn't even take listening to it-- I can't get the images out of my mind.  I feel like they're permanetly embedded there...for good. Up until this point I'd seen the 2nd plane crash into the second building, and I'd seen both towers collapse, but they were vague memories. But now, even though I was a state and many cities away from all of that chaos, I feel like I was there. I have no reason to think that anyone who had a loved one involved would feel any sympathy for me being upset about a person or thousands of people I probably never met before in my life, but truth is, I don't want anyone's sympathy. I know how I feel and I don't have, need or want to justify my reason(s)  to anyone.  Right now, i'm angry and upset. I shouldn't be, but I am. Part of me feels like i'm taking this too seriously, i mean, it has been 4 years. But 4 years ago it, it seemed unreal to me. I know and knew it was real then, but, you just don't imagine things like in real life. Fantasy world.....some blockbuster movie by Steven Spielberg or something like that. More on this to come later.. because i'm not done with my thoughts.

Still Continued
    I'm feelin better now, but, I don't know. Earlier was just a wake up call. Life is really short, and I know I said that earlier, but it's the truth. I can't really imagine spending my last minutes in a burning building, knowing that I'm going to die and being resigned to dying but knowing I won't be able to tell the ones I love with every fiber of my last being, that I love them.  Just thinking about it makes my heart hurt...again. I'm out.

    It's Fire drills!! And even more than fire drills, it's fire drills at almost 1 in the damn morning when you have to be up in 5 hours. Oh yeah. Had my first campus fire drill last night/this morning. So, you all know how happy I was about that. And I had JUST fallen asleep too. Oh, you think high school fire dril bells are loud. They are NOTHING compared to Residence Hall ones...especially when you're sleeping.
   Should I update on how school's been so far? I guess I should, but at the moment, I don't feel like it. Maybe later.

   Tonight/this morning...not the greatest. I feel like i've lost a part of me, that's been there for 11 years, even though it's still there. Yeah, we'll stay friends, but at one point we best friends, then best friends for life, best friends forever, but now we're just friends. I sound greedy, but being downgraded aint the greatest feelin in the world. *Sigh* Everything happen's the way it's supposed to so, i have no choice but to deal with it. 

If you're lonely and need a friend
And troubles seem like they never end
Just remember to keep the faith
And love will be there to light the way

     This has got to be the perfect time to clear my mind and if it isn’t, I guess I’ll make it. I don’t even know what to think about anything anymore. I’m not really much of a go-getter, even if it’s for the things I want and long for the most. I’ll make an attempt and if it doesn’t work, why bother trying anymore? No one else is putting forth much –or any- effort for that matter. It doesn’t make much of a difference anyway because once (if) the effort is put forth by others, I’ll be sitting there, waiting, willing to accept the fact that it happened for this or that reason …willing to go back to the way things were….only to probably have it happen again at some point or another. Maybe it’s time for a change, time for me to put my foot down and just cut it for good? No matter how much part of me would love to be able to do that and go on with the rest of my life as if nothing has happened, it’s not that easy. In fact, I can say that it is impossible for me to do. I guess this is equivalent to having your heart ripped out of your chest, put into a shedder than a blender, being set on fire, then having the fire pissed on….only more subtle. It probably wouldn’t hurt like pure and utter hell if we didn’t talk all the time about people doing shit like that and promising that we never would do the same to each other. “Is a promise something people used to keep when love was worth the fighting for?”  And once the distance has been created, no matter how it has been created, in my personal experience, it’s impossible to get things back to the way they were, especially as the days, weeks, months, years go by and the thing you had in common is going…going…gone, or not as prevalent as it was at one point in time. Celine wasn’t so correct when she said ‘on ne change pas’ because in fact everyone and everything changes, some changes slower but just as intense as others. And I’m tired of hearing that some people go and others stay and either way they’ve impacted you in one way or another or made you who you are because no matter what, it STILL HURTS LIKE HELL!!!!! I’m not and never will be the type of person who can take things like this lightly. I can fake like it doesn’t bother me, like a woman faking an orgasm but regardless of whether I show how I feel or not, I know how I feel and it situations like this, it’s never good. “Emotions” is a good description of how I’m feeling right now. It has nothing to do with a lost love or anything of the sort…not that sort of lost love anyway. “You’ll never see me fall apart…in the words of a broken heart…” I’ve talked about it all I’m going to….why you ask? There’s nothing left to talk about really and nothing will change unless the person...people...whoever do something to change it.

« Moi j'offrirais mon âme, mon coeur et tout mon temps

Mais j'ai beau tout donner, tout n'est pas suffisant » 

   You ever stumble across lines in songs that you just can't help but post because they are either too funny to you not to post or they have some type of significant meaning to you? Well, that's where my title came from, so there's no point in looking into it any deeper. I just thought it was funny. I guess some/all of you are looking for a recap of my stay at Sarah's? Well, it aint happening tonight. I gotta pack for my orientation tonight, so i'll probably be giving yall a real update of everything on Friday. I'll leave you with this poem from my school poerty magazine: