You go try on clothes and the door is just keep getting higher and higher up and lower and lower down. Essentially, you are trying to get dressed behind a two-by-four. You know everyone can see the underwear going down to your ankles. (I don't know about you, but I always take my underwear off no matter what i'm trying on. Just a habit, really)
They've made the door tiny so the salesperson can get to you. They couldn't before. they would just be lurking outside the door. "Can I get you anything? Need anything? Everything all right? How is everything? Can I get you anything? My name's Rachel if you need me. I'm a Capricorn, so I love to help people. My uncle's in prison for a crime he didn't commit. I love Ally McBeal. Did you see it last week? I have an eating disorder and I won't admit it. Do you think I'm pretty? I hate my job. Can I run away with you? Do you know Tom Cruise? Would he think I'm pretty?
Now she can just poke her head right in there. "Can I get you anything? How is everything? Need anything? Everything all right?"
"I said I would call you, Rachel. I don't need anything."
All that checking in. What could go so wrong that they need to check in on you that often? "My bra is in my ass....!Rachel"
I'd like to see how far they would got o help you if you did tell them your bra was in your ass. "Oh my. Is it in the ass? So, do you need a different size or color?"
And they've also taken the mirror out of the dressing room, so that you are forced to walk out to take a look at yourself. This is so they can get another shot at you. They are there to tell you how nice you look since you don't have an opinion of your own.
"That looks fabulous."
"Really?''
"Yes. Your ass looks fabulous."
That's how they get you. If they tell you your ass looks good, you are buying it. "That blouse makes your ass look fabulous. Is that your bra? Well, it makes your ass look fabulous!"
The ass is such an important thing now. We check out our ass like crazy when we try on clothes. Not only do we check out or ass, but our entire facial expression changes when we do. We make the ass face. That is my ass. You turn a different way. That is my ass that way. Then you start to walk away. I am going to walk away and that is my ass.
We don't make the ass face when we are at home naked looking at ourselves in the mirror. Totally different face then.
I'm amazed by people who are just so comfortable with their nakedness. It doesn't matter what they look like. They are just totally comfortable being naked. I admire that in people.
I think the people who are most comfortable being naked are those people who videotape themselves having sex. You've got to be so confident about your body to be videotaping your sex. Because no matter how much your partner loves you, in the heat of everything, stuff is moving so fast and as so many different angles, it's not going to be pretty. When you wath the videotape later, you risk your partner saying, "I never saw that before. Have you seen that thing you do, yourself, right there? That thing...right there."
......"I don't know. I don't understand a lot of the stuff people are into but I do believe that everyone has the right to do whatever they want with their bodies. If it makes you feel good, do it. It's your life, and it's your body. As long as there are two consenting adults--or three or five sometimes, I guess.
I just don't understand a lot of it.
Like the people who are into the Mile High Club. You know, those people who have sex in the bathroom on the plane. I don't understand that. Fisrt of all, I have questions. How do you even fit two people in there to have sex? I mean, I barely have room to have sex in there by myself. I have to leave the door open just a smidgen because my leg has to be...you know..just so. That's how I like it.
Sex should bring two people together but sometimes it really seperates them. We have this huge debate going on right now about same-sex marriage. There are people who are against it. There are people who are for it. And the people who are against it say that a marriage is a union between a man and a woman and it has always been that way and it should always remain that way. If we change the law to include two people of the same sex, then what will be next? Someone could marry an animal. That is where they go right away. These people scare me. They think we're weird.
I don't want to marry a goat. I really don't. I can't imagine even dating a goat--getting to the point that you're serious enough to make that type of commitment. Sure you can live together for a little while to figure it out, see if you are compatible..
I'm just picturing the apartment you'd have, you and the goat. Photographs all over the place--you and the goat on the beach running, holding hands. You and the goat being serenaded by mariachis at a resturant. You and the goat in front of the Eiffel Tower eating crepes and tin cans. You and the goat making faces in a strip from the photo booth.
Sunday morning you'll be trying to read the paper; the goat is trying to eat it. "Don't eat that section. I haven't read that yet! Don't you eat...Don't you eat...Come here! I love you, you goat."
I think it would be tough for even the most open minded parents if you brought a goat home. "Mom, Dad, this is Billy. We are in love."
I guess what I'm trying to say is, there are a lot of self-righteous people out there. And if you try to adjust your like to please them--by the way you dress, your sexuality, or the ass faces you like to make--you're just going to go crazy and risk being as unhappy as these self-righteous kooks are.
So enjoy your life. God gave us our bodies as a gift. (Granted, to some of us it's kind of a gag gift, but that's okay too.) Wear what you want, love who you want, and have fun."
~~~~~~~~A litte humour courtesy of Ellen's book "...the funny thing is" just in case someone thought i'm actually funny enough to think this up myself
